You’ve just survived another strenuous week of writing pointless papers for school or slaving away at your work desk listening to the monotonous tick of the clock. But to ensure that the weekend is one to enjoy, you plop onto your comfy couch and crack open a chilled can of beer. Before the tips of your fingers grace the end of your remote control, your smart phone effortlessly vibrates on the counter announcing an incoming call.
You jump at the possibility of it being that delicious male teacher’s assistant that suggested a study date (for girls) or that smokin’ chick you gave your digits to at the dog park the other day. To your disappointment, it’s that persistent irritant you can’t get rid of who continually insists the two of you paint the town a glorious color of adventure.
You know this person’s going to ask for some alone time, and before you even pick up the phone, a million and two excuses are running through your mind. Unfortunately you’ve recycled the same excuses and are running out of alibis.
Here are 10 of the most outrageously humorous and ridiculous excuses designed to get you out of an unwanted date.
10. My house in Manoa Valley got snowed in.
We all know that Honolulu hasn’t seen an inch of snow since the creation of the world. And if it has, it’s been a freak instance of a weather mishap. This is what makes this excuse so absurdly contradictive and outright hilarious. That’s why a snowed-in house in sunny Manoa Valley is listed as number 10 on the list of comical excuses to use.
9. My friend’s pet chinchilla died, and I’m giving the eulogy at its service.
“I’ve used an excuse similar to that,” shares Terra Kimura, a 21 year-old senior at the University of Hawaii. “it wasn’t as absurd as giving a eulogy at a pet’s funeral service, but I did say that my dog had died three hours before the person called. I personally think this is hilarious and if the person receiving the message can’t give the poor guy/ girl props for using an excuse like this, they’re heartless.”
8. My skateboard tires are flat.
If your intention is to irritate the pants off the person you’re effortlessly trying to avoid, this is the perfect excuse. Who knows, maybe the gods will show favor on your circumstance and the two of you will end up laughing harboring no hard feeling. But that occasionally only happens in the movies.
7. Tonight’s my turn to give my grandmother a footbath. You can help if you want.
Usually assisting the elderly looks good on a date resume. For instance, helping them cross the street or returning a bag they forgot on a park bench. However, scrubbing your grandmother’s bunions has the complete opposite effect. if you’re trying to repulse your way out of a date, this is the best way.
6. The end of the world is actually tomorrow, I’d like to be with my family before that happens.
So the Mayans got the date wrong. We can’t expect them to know everything. Nonetheless, take this as the perfect opportunity to capitalize on their wrong prediction.
5. I’m dealing with a personal crisis. My Facebook lover died and now it’s all over the tabloids.
It’s the hottest gossip sweeping every social and media network. Sure, it may not be true that you’re Facebook lover tragically passed away but it doesn’t mean you still can’t be in mourning.
4. I’m suffering from explosive diarrhea and it’s contagious.
Having the runs should never be taken lightly. It’s true; some people are clinically diagnosed with explosive diarrhea. The statistics are slim, but who’s to say you aren’t a part of that statistic.
3. A donkey kicked me and the shock went straight to my medulla oblongata.
Have you ever been kicked by a donkey? Not many people have, but I think it’s safe to assume that the select few who have experienced excruciating pain that sent a shock to their brain. This is a perfect, yet highly unlikely excuse that should be taken into consideration before being used.
2. I donated my car keys to a homeless man.
Heaven knows that majority of the young people today heavily rely on their cars as a mode of transportation. A car breaking down sounds too common and unconvincing. Dress up the fib and give it a little character by adding another individual and a bizarre circumstance. Be sure to have a back-up plan in case they offer a ride.
1. Jesus is coming soon, I have to prepare.
Enough said…