I was innocently scrolling through my Facebook timeline when I learned it was the momentous day of two “absolute soul-mates” who were celebrating their three-month “month-aversary.” Cue the nausea.
Jacob* had apparently surprised Anna* with a classy home-cooked meal (unidentifiable meat paired with Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice and Coke to drink – straw included) for this unforgettable occasion.
Anna proudly posted the picture to not just her Facebook, but her Instagram and Twitter accounts as well, to let everyone know that Jacob is in fact the world’s #BestBoyfriendEver and she is #Blessed.
Jacob and Anna are just one example of the many insufferable, annoying couples who burden my timeline. While I am happy these people have found their version of “true love” together, they need to stop constantly documenting their private lives on all public social media fronts.
The “unfollow” button on Facebook, which allows you to remain friends with another user but remove their posts from your newsfeed indefinitely, has provided me with some relief from chronic over-sharer Mia*.
Mia wants everyone to know every single day that she absolutely loves her boyfriend of exactly 13 months, 5 days and 16 seconds (yes, she counted). She posts a picture of them daily to remind everyone of their undying love and how they will be together forever.
Chronic over-sharing makes me feel like a third-wheel in their relationship. Without wanting to, I am aware of their every move. I know they went bowling yesterday, shared a cannoli and had a fabulous time even though I haven’t had a face-to-face conversation with said people since Oct. 2013. I shouldn’t be able to speculate what their ideal weekend getaway will be like based on a bunch of Facebook check-ins.
The “mute” button on Twitter (similar to Facebook’s “unfollow” button) provides additional reprieve from witnessing Samantha* and Mike* tweet each other monkey emojis every two minutes even though they both clearly have iPhones and could text each other instead.
It’s great to see couples communicate with each other regularly, but it’d be even greater if I didn’t have to read your thinly veiled sexual innuendos to each other. TMI.
I log off Instagram every Monday to avoid the dreadful #ManCrushMonday (#MCM) posts. Sarah* loves to show off her boyfriend every Monday like he’s competing in the Westminster Dog Show.
We get it, you find your significant other attractive. Doesn’t everyone? (If not, time to re-evaluate.)
The most unfortunate couple trope is the one-sided social media love affair.
Martha* is clearly in love with Alex* and doesn’t shy away from posting sentimental photos of them on Instagram and tweeting about how in love she is. Alex, on the other hand, posts pictures of the new Jordans he acquired over the weekend and tweets 2 Chainz lyrics.
It’s painful to witness Martha subtweet Alex because he clearly isn’t giving her the attention she craves. I should not be privy to the inner workings and ultimate demise of their relationship through a series of tweets and passive aggressive Instagram captions.
Granted, the only reason I’m aware of numerous couple’s social media faux pas is because I haven’t eliminated these annoyances from my newsfeed. In some sick way, I revel in the entertainment these painfully unaware couples provide.
Couples, let’s save each other the embarrassment of pissing off all your online and offline friends and being the source of mockery with a steady stream of unwanted public interactions.
Next time you want to share sugary sentiments about your “perfect” partner, or scold them for not taking the trash out, choose a more private route like iMessage, e-mail or even carrier pigeon.
Keep your private life private.
*Names have been changed
